“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” — William James

The formal study of self-esteem has only been around for about a century and a half, starting with early theorists like psychologist William James. This doesn’t mean we didn’t have self-esteem before we started studying it, we just didn’t have a name for it and didn’t know how to identify it.

In James’ theory, self-esteem is based on our actual behavior — what we do habitually — or in…

"If both the physiological and the safety needs are fairly well gratified, then there will emerge love and affection and belongingness needs, and the whole cycle already described will repeat itself with this new centre.” — Abraham Maslow

We’ve all done it.

Some of us may have done it once or a few times before recognizing the self-sabotaging consequences, so walking away from the cycle and taking the lessons with us becomes our mantra.

Others may do it and not be aware if it. For them, their emotional wall may go up about the same time their fears of vulnerability…

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” — Sigmund Freud

Have you ever had someone tell you to “Just get over it”, or to have a “Stiff upper lip”? Most of us have at one time or another, which is usually the last thing we want to hear.

We may have had our heart handed to us from a narcissistic discard, or gotten tangled up with a “friend” who found pleasure in pouring salt on an open wound.

We may be battling a health diagnosis or other stressful life transitions…

“If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to all others, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism.” — Erich Fromm

I write regularly about attachment styles because they are critical for how we view ourselves and others, whether we become emotionally invested, and how our attachment style affects us throughout our lives.

How we relate to others plays out subliminally in how we feel about ourselves, how present we remain in our relationships and in our relationship history.

Most importantly, our attachment style affects the quality of our relationships.

If…

“Pain in this life is not avoidable. But the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” — R.D. Laing.

The excitement of a new relationship always has us psyched. We’re sleeping less, we’ve got more energy on reserve and our S.O. is constantly running through our mind.

The novelty of a new relationship can feel like the antidote for just about any ailment we have:

Feeling run down? Nothing beats a massage and a dip in the hot tub with our S.O.

Don’t want to cook tonight? There’s nothing better than takeout and bingeing our favorite video game together.

Stressed…

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.” — Warren Buffet

Having a positive mindset when life hands us lemons can be a good thing. Actually, it’s pretty amazing. I wouldn’t have made it through the last couple years of school if I hadn’t remained somewhat positive and focused on the goal in light of bullshit, traumatic events and academic pressures.

Examining psychology through a more positive lens first began with humanists like Abraham Maslow and his theory of self-actualization and Carl Rogers’ client-centered therapy which focuses on embracing our authentic…

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” — Leo F. Buscaglia

If you’re like some, then you probably didn’t grow up being taught how to find the perfect partner or how to be the perfect partner. Besides, no one is perfect and the sooner we let go of illusions of perfection and idealizations, trust me when I say, the happier we’ll be.

The fact is, if you weren’t being taught self-love, a healthy attachment with others and a healthy relationship…

“We’re only as needy as our unmet needs.” — John Bowlby

I want to give due respect to explaining the Disorganized attachment, as it’s often the least discussed of the four main attachment styles. A Disorganized attachment is also known as Anxious-Avoidant or Fearful-Avoidant, and is said to fall along the far ends of the spectrum as a combination of both Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles.

Disorganized attachment is perhaps the most in need of supportive resources and understanding because of its impact on those battling it. …