“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” — Oscar Wilde
It’s said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference.
If we think about it, there’s truth to this. Both love and hate have passion. Both stir up intense feelings. Both expend emotional and mental energy. And, both show vulnerabilities.
If you’ve ever watched any 90’s romcom where introverted girl hates annoying boy, then boy proves his worth, and poof!…they’re …
“Habits are formed by the repetition of particular acts. They are strengthened by an increase in the number of repeated acts. Habits are also weakened or broken, and contrary habits are formed by the repetition of contrary acts.” — Mortimer J. Adler
If you’re like me and countless others, you probably get pumped when reading about the latest diet, exercise, or habit craze that guarantees if we just follow the program, then we’re golden. But, even with the fiercest of determination and the closest of monitoring, we sometimes fall short of hitting our goal.
So, why is that?
“The discoveries of science, the teachings of the heart, and the revelations of the soul all assure us that no human being is ever beyond redemption.” — Gabor Maté
Most of us aren’t in the market of getting into a relationship, only to push our partner away. We probably aren’t in the habit of saying we want to feel a deep connection with others, while doing everything that preaches a different story.
And, most of us usually insist that we’re fine, that our childhood was normal, our home-life is satisfying, and everything is status quo, including our relationships.
“Under conditions of peace, the warlike man attacks himself.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s so easy to get stuck in a loop, right?
Too easy, of you ask me.
It’s easy turning to what’s familiar, chasing what feels oddly comfortable or choosing what habitually numbs us in the moment.
But, it always seems to end the same way.
No, I’m not talking about the relationships we keep, because that would be too easy.
Of course we know if the people we choose in our lives are guides towards a healthy direction…
…or are reflections of a repeated cycle.
The fact is…
“Pain in this life is not avoidable. But the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” — R.D. Laing.
The excitement of a new relationship always has us psyched. We’re sleeping less, we’ve got more energy on reserve and our S.O. is constantly running through our mind.
The novelty of a new relationship can feel like the antidote for just about any ailment we have:
Feeling run down? Nothing beats a massage and a dip in the hot tub with our S.O.
Don’t want to cook tonight? There’s nothing better than takeout and bingeing our favorite video game together.
“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” — Abraham Maslow
Have you ever felt unheard or unseen by your S.O.? I mean, you may both be sitting in the same room — even on the same sofa and watching the same show — and feel like you’re worlds apart.
Maybe they’re distracted by Farmville or whatever social media they’re on that’s taking up more of their attention or investment in the moment.
Or, you may be on the other side of the fence where your attention is waning while mindlessly scrolling through…
“Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism.” — Sigmund Freud
I’ve chosen to error on the side of caution when writing this article. I’ve mentioned it previous articles, and my professional opinion hasn’t changed: the word “narcissist” is often overused, misused and causes stigma.
First, someone who could be formally diagnosable with Narcissistic Personality Disorder proper, (NPD) is not necessarily the same thing as someone who spends their day obsessing on their next gym selfie or Botox injection. …
“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.” — Rollo May
Do you think you’re a creature of habit? Most of us probably don’t. And if we do consider ourselves a creature of habit, chances are we’re looking at it from a positive angle and through rose-colored lenses.
Maybe we’ve become a creature of habit for hitting the gym four days a week. If it’s become part of our daily schedule, then we’re simply going through the motions without investing much awareness or effort into maintaining the habit.
We don’t ask questions.
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.” — Carl Jung
Most of us have probably all heard the words, Trauma Bond. If you’re lucky, you’ve never experienced its mindfuck and heartfuck.
If you aren’t so lucky, then you are probably familiar with how it starts, why it starts and the push-pull that’s created because of it.
We know the obvious signs of a traumatic bonding. For example, everyone is always walking on eggshells. …
“Learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference.” — Marcus Aurelius
The above quote by philosopher Marcus Aurelius seems pretty straightforward, right? We need to challenge ourselves to be indifferent towards what doesn’t matter.
If we get cut off on the road we can either get hot under the collar and let them get the best of us…Or, we can choose to ignore that person’s behavior as a reflection on them.
Or, let’s say we’re at the mall and the person behind the counter assists three customers before us, although we were in line before them. …
PhD Psychology, Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Certified Trauma & Addictions Specialist. I help warriors cultivate healthy connections with Self & others.