“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” — Oscar Wilde
It’s said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference.
If we think about it, there’s truth to this. Both love and hate have passion. Both stir up intense feelings. Both expend emotional and mental energy. And, both show vulnerabilities.
If you’ve ever watched any 90’s romcom where introverted girl hates annoying boy, then boy proves his worth, and poof!…they’re …
“What is necessary to change a person is to change the awareness of himself.” ~Abraham Maslow
I think one of the hardest things to hear is when someone says they’re “broken”.
They may tell you how they only seem to attract partners who break their hearts, where they’re thinking there’s something wrong with themselves. Or, they may say that breaking someone else’s heart is better than being left behind and having their own heart broken.
They may explain a heart-wrenching story of how they’ve been used by partners who were only looking out for themselves. …
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.” — Carl Jung
Most of us have probably all heard the words, Trauma Bond. If you’re lucky, you’ve never experienced its mindfuck and heartfuck.
If you aren’t so lucky, then you are probably familiar with how it starts, why it starts and the push-pull that’s created because of it.
We know the obvious signs of a traumatic bonding. For example, everyone is always walking on eggshells. …
“Pain in this life is not avoidable. But the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” — R.D. Laing.
The excitement of a new relationship always has us psyched. We’re sleeping less, we’ve got more energy on reserve and our S.O. is constantly running through our mind.
The novelty of a new relationship can feel like the antidote for just about any ailment we have:
Feeling run down? Nothing beats a massage and a dip in the hot tub with our S.O.
Don’t want to cook tonight? There’s nothing better than takeout and bingeing our favorite video game together.
“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” — Leo F. Buscaglia
If you’re like some, then you probably didn’t grow up being taught how to find the perfect partner or how to be the perfect partner. Besides, no one is perfect and the sooner we let go of illusions of perfection and idealizations, trust me when I say, the happier we’ll be.
The fact is, if you weren’t being taught self-love, a healthy attachment with others and a healthy relationship…
“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.” — Rollo May
Do you think you’re a creature of habit? Most of us probably don’t. And if we do consider ourselves a creature of habit, chances are we’re looking at it from a positive angle and through rose-colored lenses.
Maybe we’ve become a creature of habit for hitting the gym four days a week. If it’s become part of our daily schedule, then we’re simply going through the motions without investing much awareness or effort into maintaining the habit.
We don’t ask questions.
“Under conditions of peace, the warlike man attacks himself.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s so easy to get stuck in a loop, right?
Too easy, of you ask me.
It’s easy turning to what’s familiar, chasing what feels oddly comfortable or choosing what habitually numbs us in the moment.
But, it always seems to end the same way.
No, I’m not talking about the relationships we keep, because that would be too easy.
Of course we know if the people we choose in our lives are guides towards a healthy direction…
…or are reflections of a repeated cycle.
The fact is…
“Learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference.” — Marcus Aurelius
The above quote by philosopher Marcus Aurelius seems pretty straightforward, right? We need to challenge ourselves to be indifferent towards what doesn’t matter.
If we get cut off on the road we can either get hot under the collar and let them get the best of us…Or, we can choose to ignore that person’s behavior as a reflection on them.
Or, let’s say we’re at the mall and the person behind the counter assists three customers before us, although we were in line before them. …
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” — Lao Tzu
There’s nothing new about the concept of a “False Self”. Throughout early psychoanalytic history, we’ve been handed information on what it is, where it starts and why it’s allegedly there.
The earliest analytic theories such as Freud’s, divide the Self as either inward toward ourselves and our instincts or outward directed at others.
And, while Carl Jung’s theories don’t directly speak of a False Self either, he wrote and spoke frequently of our Shadow side. This is synonymous with…
"But I need solitude--which is to say, recovery, return to myself, the breath of a free, light, playful air." — Friedrich Nietzsche
When we hear the word solitude, we probably jump right to feeling like we’re odd man out or that we’re being isolated from others. Granted, after the last year of lockdown and stay-at-home orders, the definition of isolation now includes phrases like remote work and distance learning.
Pandemic aside, the word solitude seems to get a bad rap as synonymous with feelings of loneliness. …
PhD Psychology, Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Certified Trauma & Addictions Specialist. I help warriors cultivate healthy connections with Self & others.